Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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