Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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