i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
