Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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