areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
