i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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