i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
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Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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