Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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