she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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