You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
