So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
