Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
