i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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