I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
