I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
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She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
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His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.