You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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