she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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