how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
