I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
