he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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