Your face is a jimmy john
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub