4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar