Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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