He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
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In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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