she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
