my vag is so smooth its legendary
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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