i think my tv is drunk
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
