he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken