I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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