Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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