Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
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Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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