I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself