waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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