This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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