There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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