just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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