so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We need a shit load of segways right now
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If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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