There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it's like iHOP with fire
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize