it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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