I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
