when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
