The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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