Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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