Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
