I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
