So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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