just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
