It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
