An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize