Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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