I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
