Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
